Derek: Part 3

Remember that incredibly embarrassing voice mail I left for Derek?

Remember how I prayed to God he wouldn't call back?

He did.

On my birthday (which was Saturday by the way! I'm posting about that later, this takes priority over that). Sadly I was at the movies seeing "Life of Pi," So his call went to voice mail.

His voicemail was very smart. a simply "Hey Pheebs. It's Derek. Got your call, it made me laugh. Good to hear from you. Call me back when you get the chance."

Why the hell couldn't I have thought of that? I bet that's a guy gene "The ability to leave perfect voice mails." I'll bet it's in that special Y cromosone that us girls don't get. Anyways...

After listening to his voice mail on Saturday night debated for three days whether or not I should call him back. So I went to my trusted friend Kate with the question.

"If you, like, call someone and leave a terribly awkward voice mail, and then they call you back, but you miss it, should you call them back? I'm so terrible at these things..."

"why don't you just call this person at a time in which they cannot pick up? Then they have to worry about calling you back."

Ugh. Kate is such a genius it bothers me.

However her idea was perfect so I called up Derek Tuesday night, at a time which I thought would be inconvenient.

I was wrong.

Turns out Derek is completely free during the 4 o'clock hour. Like any fucking normal person. I'm such a blond.

So like the idiot I am my first words were "You weren't suppose to pick up the phone."

That is such a great way to start the conversation. Not.

However, Derek being the perfect boy that he is did not care, he laughed it off, and began a conversation with me.

I'm not going to go into perfect detail about our conversation right now simply because that would make this post very long.

I can tell you something brief that we discussed.

I told him, "Honestly, I'm not so sure as to whether I miss you, or I just miss summer."

Now I know that sounds harsh, but trust me Derek is the kind of guy who doesn't get offended easily.

He's also the kind of guy who is very confident, because he flat-out said that he just missed me.

Which honestly really shocked me. So of course I change the conversation as quickly as I could.

All of a sudden I realized, it was like nothing had changed. It was July 20th again, and Derek and I were just talking. Except this time we were far apart and not right next to each other.

The second I hung up the phone I realized, that I did actually miss Derek. I missed his curly hair, his smile, his crappy taste in music, and his stupid shoes.

I also realized that in life there are perfect moments.

And now is not my moment to be with Derek.

The Simple Magic of a Penny.

This morning I woke up and immediately wanted to the day to be over.

Today marks six months from when Sally died.

Which seems crazy to me, I felt like I just talked to her one the phone yesterday, I can still hear her laughter in my head. I can still remember every conversation we had in which I had to say "Sally please stop, I love you, but that is too much information..." (Sally was a very open person, she would tell you anything, even if you didn't want to hear it. Like the one time she told me about how Chemo sends you into an early menopause...)

I rolled out of bed and hit my alarm, and I had no idea how I would get through the rest of the day. Would I be able to see all of my friends without being a downer?

I spent so much time thinking about how I would make it through the day, and remembering Sally that I ended up looking like complete crap today.

I didn't tell that many people about today's sorrowful significance, just two people, whom both gave me their best wishes.

I may have mentioned this before when I first wrote about Sally, but after her death I literally see her everywhere.I see her in all of the little things, for example, today I was walking to lunch; and I knew lunch would be one of the hardest things to get through today. I didn't think I was ready to see my friends, it's not like they would harass me or anything, I just knew I wasn't myself today. However on my way walking to lunch I saw a something shiny on the ground, so I look at it, and it's a penny heads-up.

I smiled, and picked it up. This was Sally's sign that I would be just fine.

Maybe some of you laugh at me or smirk when I say that I knew Sally did this, but I do. I know it sounds childish, like believing in fairies or something, but this is diff rent. I don't expect anyone to understand, and mostly because I don't want you to. I don't ever want someone to go through losing their best friend. Odds are it will eventually happen, but I don't want it to happen.

So I just want my friends to note: If you didn't understand why I kept on going on-and-on about the penny I found on the ground today, that's why.

This day was hard to get through, considering I knew I had to call Mark up later in the day which I knew we would both sob unconditionally, but I got through the day.

And know I think that, with Sally's signs, I can get through anything.

Derek: Part 2

So I have been telling you all that I haven't had any time to call up Derek.

Today I made time.

My mother left the house to get a turkey for Thanksgiving, and my sister was glued to the TV downstairs.

Every time I look at my desk and see the sticky note with his number written on it I get very anxious, and all I want to do is dial the number and see him again. I want to go back to summer when I was careless and didn't have the stress of homework, or test grades. I wanted to be able to laugh with him about the annoying people sitting in front of us at the movie theatre. I wanted to forget what it was to have to wake up every morning and worry about what people think of you.

With the memory of our laughter in my head I picked up the phone and called him, without having prepared anything.

And if you know me well, you probably know that I don't make haste decisions. I like to plane, so picking up this phone and dialing with out thinking was probably one of the dumbest moves I have ever made.

And then the phone rang, and it rang again, and again, and at the fourth ring I realized I had no fucking idea what I was going to do! Should I leave a message? Or hang up? If I hang up he'll ignore the call, but if I leave I'm a message he'll probably call back, unless he doesn't want to talk to me again....

So while contemplating all the possibilities I had, the phone went straight to his voice mail, "Hey it's Derek, leave me a message at the beep!"

His voice sounded so familiar.

Beep

Shit.

"Uh, hey, it's Phoebe... I know, I'm back from the dead ha ha.... Anyways I just wanted to call you up and see how life is going... sorry if this is really weird and awkward. I totally get it, so call me back. Unless it's a bother, then don't. Or just call me back when you need to-want to! OK I have embarrassed myself. I'm hanging up now. bye."

It was probably the worse forty-three seconds of my life.

I hit the end button and slammed my palm against my forehead. What the hell was I thinking? "Back from the dead?" He knows I hate zombies! And admitting I was embarrassed over the phone? Smooth...

There is no way Derek is calling me back.

But a girl can only hope, right?

I Can Overlook Opportunities, No Probem.

Alright, so my last post might have been confusing to some of you.

It was confusing to me too.

it was a fortune I got from fortune cookie, and frankly it made no sense to me. Lets look into it, shall we?

First off it begins with the words "Be tactful" which usually mean using my brain, and being clever, right? Then it says "overlook your own opportunity."

Overlooking is to look over something, as in ignore it, and opportunity is suppose to be a good thing.

So why would I overlook something that's good for me? How is that tactful in anyway?

Perhaps it is something I view as an opportunity, but underneath a mask it's a misfortune. When I pondered the thought it suddenly made sense to me! All this time something that I thought was fate, destiny, and a stroke of luck; actually turned out to be a complete trouble-case.

I received this fortune from the cookie last Sunday night.

The day after my run-in with Dick.

Does this cookie make sense to you now?

I spend all this time wondering "What does this mean?" "Is this my sign?" Blah. Blah. Freaking blah.

Remember when I asked for those signs from God about Dick? I said to him  "When I'm ready send me a sign, anything!"

Well I think that was my sign, and he sent me because I was ready. Ready to say no.

I can honestly say that I have no tender feelings for Dick anymore. Sure, next time I run into him I will probably freak out, It's only normal protocol for me.

But I'll get over it by the next day. I'm a Diamond, I've been through worse.

What?

Fortune Cookie says:

"Be tactful: Overlook you own opportunity."

Derek: Part 1

First off, I would just like to say that I did reach 1,000 views last Friday! Shout-out to all my Diamonds for the support! I don't exactly know why, but you all seem to love my blog! So thanks!

Anyways, even though I views those 1,000 views as a total blessing, it's kind of a curse on my part...

Because now I have to do my "1,000-views post!" Which is weird for me because I don't exactly know how to begin this one... simply because I usually only share personal details about myself if someone asks. Then again, most of you have been asking...

So I am going to talk about what went on this summer for me, since I have been kind of hinting at it for a while...

I met this boy originally over spring break, but I didn't really get to know him until this past summer. His name is Derek, the first time I ever met him I was carrying three giant boxes, so I couldn't see in front of me, that's when my boss decided to introduce us. I remember her words perfectly "This is Phoebe, she's the one behind all of these boxes." I remember the first time I heard him laugh, I smiled immediately, even though he couldn't see it.

However, I didn't see his face until the next day. That's when I knew I liked him, he wasn't an abercrombie model, he wasn't one of those boys all the girls secretly have a crush on, he was just an everyday average hipster. He wasn't exactly fond of it when I called him that, but I always did.

We didn't keep in touch after Spring break, but when I went back for the summer I was a different person from when I saw him last.

This time when I saw him I was heartbroken from a recent run-in with Dick. Derek, however, being the sweetheart that he is knew just how to cheer me up, he took me out to lunch while everyone else was in a meeting. He just made me laugh and smile, and suddenly Dick was a thing of the past! Dick who?

After my few short days at the job Derek and I began emailing each other back and forth. I would sit on my laptop for hours waiting for his emails while I took quizzes on Seventeen.com. After a day or two of emailing each other like crazy, we came upon the idea that we should "date." Now I say "date" because we knew that because we went to different schools a long-distance relationship wouldn't work out, so we figured by the time summer was coming to an end we would break-up, and hats what was agreed, and that's what happened.

Now, I'm not going to go into a huge bunch of detail about all of the dates and things we did on my blog, simply because I would go on and on and no one wants to hear about that.

Oh! By the way, simply telling you all of this wasn't my 1,000 reads thing!

I recently got his number off of my friends cell phone, she had his number because he was one of her coworkers. I told another friend of mine, Alice, about it. She was begging my to call him, so I promised her that after I reached 1,000 views on my blog I would call him.

Now I haven't called him yet, simply because I haven't had any alone time since my blog reached 1,000 views, and I need alone time because I don't want to be talking to this boy and have my mom knock on the door yelling "Phoebe! You forgot to pick up your towel off of the bathroom floor!"

I would die if he heard my mother say that to me. Especially since I haven't seen him in three months.

OK Diamonds, I know lots of you will be freaking out tomorrow asking me why I didn't tell you all of this before, but I want you to stay calm. I will answer all of your questions- within reason.

And wish me luck for my phone call! Whenever that may be...

Happiness is Linked to Preschool

There was one particularly upsetting afternoon in May, in which I didn't know what I would do with myself. I was lonely and depressed, Sally had just died and I just couldn't make myself happy.

So I did what most teenagers do when they don't know what to do with themselves, I sat down in front of the TV and flipped through channels.

I randomly came across a popular children's show. So I watched it.

Normally I would have felt like an idiot watching red and yellow puppets dance across the screen trying to teach me the alphabet, but that day was different.

It was different because I remembered how happy this show, and shows like it, would make me when I was younger.

Then I began to ponder my childhood, I remembered lots of finger paintings and ear-infections ( I had an ear-infection every other month, I wasn't so charmed).  I also remembered how much I loved to write, and how much I loved to make up stories.

So I quickly turned off the television and went straight to my room. I pulled out my "writing box" from underneath my bed and began to draft a story.

Now please don't ask me what the story was about, because it's very childish. It was a story I began writing in elementary school and never finished, but I began to write it again, and I remembered how happy it made me.

It's been said that you learn something new everyday, well that day I learned that if you look back onto your childhood, and if you remember what made you happiest. It probably still makes you just as happy.

Don't you remember how easy and silly finger painting was? Wasn't it the highlight of your preschool years to play with the kitchen set? Or did you love dressing up as a ballerina, Cinderella, or a garbage man?

I'm not implying that all of you guys are depressed and unhappy and need to go back to preschool.

I'm saying if you are every upset or (god forbid) as upset as I was that day, try to remember what always makes you happy.

Odds are it still does.

Fate, Stars, and One Broken Heart.

Have you ever wondered if you life is predetermined?

Is there someone out there that knows your future, but you still have to go through it?

Do you ever look up to the stars and say a prayer?

Don't worry this post won't just be a questionnaire, I'm actually about to make a point.

First a quick intro, back in middle school I had my heartbroken by a boy who I had the biggest crush on ever. So this boy (lets call him Dick) found out I liked him, and then avoided me like crazy, and had seven girlfriends in one month. ANYWAYS...

I was so heart broken ( and kind of stupid) that I would pray to God every night for a sign,

"God, or anyone that really cares to listen actually, can you give me a sign? Can you show me if this boy and I are meant to be together? You don't have to give it to me right away, you can wait until you think I'm ready, I just really have to know."

So after about a few months of that I get over it, I figure nothing is going to happen, so I move on. I ran into Dick in the very beginning of the summer, which probably would have sent me into a hysteric, but I think I had a pretty good distraction this summer, so I didn't put much thought into my Dick run-in.

However over this past weekend I ran into Mr. Big. I know you're either thinking "whoopee, big effing deal, you probably see the kid everywhere." or you're really excited. Let me just add on to those emotions you have my saying this - I saw him 100 miles away from where I live.

Now, here I am staying up late on a Sunday night with a million different emotions going through my head, Is this the sign i was asking for? or Am I ready for this sign? and the ever important What does this all mean?

Now I like to believe in William Shakespeare when he said “It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.”

I like to think that I have complete control over my life, but I don't. I don't think anyone really does.

So I guess a girl is left to wonder, in a neighborhood where I can barley even see the stars, how do I know if they hold my fate?

Do you even know her?

I don't think I have been specific enough when I refer to people as "Diamonds."

"I believe every person is strong and beautiful like a diamond."

Key words: Strong and Beautiful

I want to focus mostly on beauty, because strength really speaks for itself.

A diamond is see-through, it's both beautiful on the outside as it is the inside. So if you are a very pretty girl on the outside, (which every single one of you is, I don't care what anyone else thinks of you.) that doesn't directly mean that you are instantly beautiful on the inside. I know a lot of pretty girls who are complete bitches.

If you do not know a person you have no right to judge anything about them.

I mean ANYTHING. I don't care if it looks like they haven't re-dyed their hair in three months! Maybe they can't afford root-touch up.

I would like to use my cousin Sally as an example in this topic.

I probably didn't mention that Sally was raped at the age of 15, by her creepy ex-boyfriend. During those years Sally had gotten mixed up with the wrong kind of people. So she ended up dating an asshole who was addicted to drugs, but I digress.

Sally, being pro-choice, knew she had the option of getting ride of the child. She did not take any action to want the child, so I personally thought she had every right to not have the baby. However Sally's thought was bringing a child into the world would help her redirect her attention away from all of the bad things she had been doing.

She told me being pregnant with her son was one of the hardest things she ever had to go through. She told me when her and her mother went shopping for maternity clothes she got the dirtiest looks from girls her age at the mall. When she went to church the elderly ladies gave her stares that went right through her soul.

Yes eventually some people did figure out the situation and changed their opinions on her.

But should they have assumed that first before they judge Sally like that? Sally was going to have a baby that she had every right to give up, but she didn't and frankly that should make her a hero.

Do you think she felt like a hero while she was walking through the mall with girls laughing at her? Do you think she felt like a hero when she walked through the school hallways and boys and girls would shout out "Sally the slut?"

No. She didn't. She felt like she had made the wrong decision and that she should give up this child, and she actually almost did. Looking back on it if I could find those girls who called her those names, and who laughed about her behind her back, I might want to hurt them, because of them I almost didn't get my godson Jackson.

So if I ever hear someone saying "I saw this girl today..." I'll ask the person if they know this girl, and if they don't I will judge them.

I will judge you if you judge a person you do not know.

Only exception: If they are wearing a Yankees shirt.

19 things to stop doing, Now.

 

1. Stop placing all the blame on other people for how they interact with you. To an extent, people treat you the way you want to be treated. A lot of social behavior is cause and effect. Take responsibility for (accept) the fact that you are the only constant variable in your equation.

2. Stop being lazy by being constantly “busy.” It’s easy to be busy. It jus...

tifies never having enough time to clean, cook for yourself, go out with friends, meet new people. Realize that every time you give in to your ‘busyness,’ it’s you who’s making the decision, not the demands of your job.

3. Stop seeking out distractions. You will always be able to find them.

4. Stop trying to get away with work that’s “good enough.” People notice when “good enough” is how you approach your job. Usually these people will be the same who have the power to promote you, offer you a health insurance plan, and give you more money. They will take your approach into consideration when thinking about you for a raise.

5. Stop allowing yourself to be so comfortable all the time. Coming up with a list of reasons to procrastinate risky, innovative decisions offers more short-term gratification than not procrastinating. But when you stop procrastinating to make a drastic change, your list of reasons to procrastinate becomes a list of ideas about how to better navigate the risk you’re taking.

6. Stop identifying yourself as a cliche and start treating yourself as an individual. Constantly checking your life against a prewritten narrative or story of how things “should” be is a bought-into way of life. It’s sort of like renting your identity. It isn’t you. You are more nuanced than the narrative you try to fit yourself into, more complex than the story that “should” be happening.

7. Stop expecting people to be better than they were in high school — learn how to deal with it instead. Just because you’re out of high school doesn’t mean you’re out of high school. There will always be people in your life who want what you have, are threatened by who you are, and will ridicule you for doing something that threatens how they see their position in the world.

8. Stop being stingy. If you really care about something, spend your money on it. There is often a notion that you are saving for something. Either clarify what that thing is or start spending your money on things that are important to you. Spend money on road trips. Spend money on healthy food. Spend money on opportunities. Spend money on things you’ll keep.

9. Stop treating errands as burdens. Instead, use them as time to focus on doing one thing, and doing it right. Errands and chores are essentially rote tasks that allow you time to think. They function to get you away from your phone, the internet, and other distractions. Focus and attention span are difficult things to maintain when you’re focused and attentive on X amount of things at any given moment.

10. Stop blaming yourself for being human. You’re fine. Having a little anxiety is fine. Being scared is fine. Your secrets are fine. You’re well-meaning. You’re intelligent. You’re blowing it out of proportion. You’re fine.

11. Stop ignoring the fact that other people have unique perspectives and positions. Start approaching people more thoughtfully. People will appreciate you for deliberately trying to conceive their own perspective and position in the world. It not only creates a basis for empathy and respect, it also primes people to be more open and generous with you.

12. Stop seeking approval so hard. Approach people with the belief that you’re a good person. It’s normal to want the people around you to like you. But it becomes a self-imposed burden when almost all your behavior toward certain people is designed to constantly reassure you of their approval.

13. Stop considering the same things you’ve always done as the only options there are. It’s unlikely that one of the things you’ll regret when you’re older is not having consumed enough beer in your 20s, or not having bought enough $5 lattes, or not having gone out to brunch enough times, or not having spent enough time on the internet. Fear of missing out is a real, toxic thing. You’ve figured out drinking and going out. You’ve experimented enough. You’ve gotten your fill of internet memes. Figure something else out.

14. Stop rejecting the potential to feel pain. Suffering is a universal constant for sentient beings. It is not unnatural to suffer. Being in a constant state of suffering is bad. But it is often hard to appreciate happiness when there’s nothing to compare it to. Rejecting the potential to suffer is unsustainable and unrealistic.

15. Stop approaching adverse situations with anger and frustration. You will always deal with people who want things that seem counter to your interests. There will always be people who threaten to prevent you from getting what you want by trying to get what they want. This is naturally frustrating. Realize that the person you’re dealing with is in the same position as you — by seeking out your own interests, you threaten to thwart theirs. It isn’t personal — you’re both just focused on getting different things that happen to seem mutually exclusive. Approach situations like these with reason. Be calm. Don’t start off mad, it’ll only make things more tense.

16. Stop meeting anger with anger. People will make you mad. Your reaction to this might be to try and make them mad. This is something of a first-order reaction. That is, it isn’t very thoughtful — it may be the first thing you’re inclined to do. Try to suppress this reaction. Be thoughtful. Imagine your response said aloud before you say it. If you don’t have to respond immediately, don’t.

17. Stop agreeing to do things that you know you’ll never actually do. It doesn’t help anyone. To a certain extent, it’s a social norm to be granted a ‘free pass’ when you don’t do something for someone that you said you were going to do. People notice when you don’t follow through, though, especially if it’s above 50% of the time.

18. Stop ‘buying’ things you know you’ll throw away. Invest in friendships that aren’t parasitic. Spend your time on things that aren’t distractions. Put your stock in fleeting opportunity. Focus on the important.

19. Stop being afraid.

 

I saw this list posted on my Facebook wall today my TBL, I reealized that it pretty much sums up a lot of the things I want to do in life,

 

so stop doing all of the things,

 

and START being a Diamond.

Judgement Day

Have you ever looked at a person, and just immediately hated them?

I have, I've looked at a girl many times before and my first subconscious thought is "She's really pretty, she must be a bitch, OK I hate her."

I still do it, I guess I feel "better safe than sorry" I don't want to assume she's nice and then have her make fun of me, I'd rather just make her a bitch in my mind and then when she turns out to be nice I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Odds are I will continue to do that in the future, but lets look into this stereotyping...

I want you to think of a few of your friends, it'd be best if you just recently met them. Now, what was your first impression of them?

When I first saw my friend Chips during the first day of ninth grade, I immediately thought to myself "Ugh she's a bitch, look at her perfectly colored blonde hair..." but once I actually started to get to know her, I found out that she is the farthest thing from a bitch! She is one of the funniest and craziest people I have ever met! And I am so happy that I met her.

Now I want you to do something different, I want you to take a different friend and I want you to pretend you aren't friends, now what would you think about this person? By the way he/she dresses or looks, or things you would have heard about this friend?

I worry that if people don't know me they assume I'm some kind of freak, which isn't bad because I would own being a freak. However it is difficult being judged, it hurts to know people would stick a label on you before you even got to know them.

And wouldn't you want to hurt anyone who would stereotype your best friend?

So before you stereotype the next person you see at the mall, at the library, or in your chemistry class, please try to think first "That's somebodies best friend. That person has a mother. I don't know what that person has been through in life, am I at a right to stick a label on them like that?"

Table For One Please

Now, honestly, some people make a really big deal about the idea of being single, but honestly it's not that big of a deal.

"forever alone" has got to be one of the funniest memes ever, I love seeing how unhappy that little face is every time the picture above him is a couple holding hands. I find it hilarious, and because I can relate to it in a non-"omg my life is so sad and single" way.

Honestly I would rather be single than be that girl who has dated at least 56 boys because she is terrified of being alone for one Friday night. Everyone knows a girl like that. If you don't know a girl like that- it's you.

Anyways I'd rather be single than be that girl, simply because being single proves that I have respect for myself in choosing what I want. I'm not going to randomly make-out with any boy I see! Unless it's just one of those nights, we all have them.

Anyways when did being single all of a sudden become the most important thing in a teenage girls/boys life? I'm not saying I know what it should be, I'm just saying I know what it shouldn't be.

First off, an actual relationship is hard work. You have to sacrifice a lot of things, like the hours and hours you spend on Tumblr, but actually it's a lot more than that. You have to figure out how to balance your friends and your relationship, I never ever want to be the girl who becomes so preoccupied with her boyfriend that she doesn't see her friends anymore.

Now, sure sometimes it's actually kind of fun to sit around with a chick-flick on while eating ice-cream with your Friends, and complain about how you are all single. Let it all out! Plus it makes an awesome bonding moment that you get to laugh about forever, I suggest to do it on Valentines day, and every other Tuesday.

OK, so point is next time some bitch goes on and on about how amazing her boyfriend is, please ignore it and think to yourself "I am a diamond I think very highly of myself unlike this girl, who is simply going on and on about her boyfriend because he is actually a very terrible boyfriend and since their relationship isn't full enough she felt the need to brag to me about it, because that's how worthless she is. I, on the other hand, am going to wait for someone who is perfect, someone who I will not have to brag about."

Trust me Diamonds, hang in there because they'll come around.